Operation Double D
by Red Witch
Summary: Archer does a little corporate espionage at a women's fashion event party. This time his backup may be his biggest problem.


**Pam did something with the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters. I wrote another secret mission because I was bored and there was nothing good on TV this summer. So what other kinds of trouble did Archer and the gang get into that no one knows about? Well…**

 **Operation Double D**

"Wait I thought we weren't allowed to do any freelance work anymore?" Archer asked. He was in his Mother's office sitting in the chair in front of her desk with a flask in his hand.

"We're not. Especially after that fiasco with the Secret Service party," Mallory glared at her son as she paused with a drink in her hand. "That's why this mission is strictly off the books. Which means…"

"Tell no one especially Lana," Archer interrupted. "Blah, blah, blah. I've heard it a thousand times before. So what exactly do I have to do this time? Or is it whom I have to do?"

"You wish!" Mallory snapped. "Don't think I haven't considered pimping you out as a gigolo seeing that is your main talent! Other than making my life miserable."

"Right back at you Mother," Archer scoffed as he took a drink. "So what crazy scheme have you come up with this time?"

"It's not a scheme," Mallory scoffed. "It's just a simple information retrieval mission."

"From where?" Archer asked.

"From Elliot House Designs," Mallory told him. "I'm acquainted with the designer Gilles Carnganc. He runs and owns Bettina's Beauty."

"Wait, aren't those both famous ladies' fashion studios?" Archer asked. "Known for making high end lingerie?"

"Yes," Mallory sighed. "And they are rivals."

"So basically you want me to break into a ladies' underwear company to steal underwear designs?" Archer shouted. "Seriously?"

"Keep your voice down! And yes!" Mallory hissed. "And I don't know why you're balking at this. Corporate espionage goes on all the time."

"Mother we're not really good at corporate espionage," Archer winced. "Have you forgotten that mission on Wall Street a few years ago? The stock market plunge? The fire? The dead guy in the elevator? And I wasn't even there!"

"No, you were passed out drunk in the bar of the hotel down the street!" Mallory snapped. "How Brett got shot on that mission I will never know."

"He always managed to get shot one way or another," Archer snorted with laughter. "Kind of miss him now. He was a hoot."

"Besides I thought you'd jump at the chance to look at some pictures of scantily clad women," Mallory gave him a look.

"If I wanted to do that I would use this new thing called magazines!" Archer snapped. "Or TV commercials! Or just TV and movies in general! Or better yet hire a prostitute and look at a real woman in her underwear! Or not in any underwear usually…"

"So what's the problem?" Mallory asked.

"I'm a highly trained secret agent for the CIA Mother!" Archer snapped. "I mean my job is to take out enemy agents or steal classified information or jewels or plutonium rods! Not to purloin panty pictures! It's demeaning!"

"Oh grow a pair!" Mallory snapped. "If I wanted to hear complaining I would have given this mission to Lana!"

"It's just the principle of the thing," Archer pointed out. "I'm too good for this!"

"I suppose there's also the factor that both lingerie designers tend to favor women of a certain size?" Mallory raised an eyebrow.

"By certain size you mean elephant yeah!" Archer folded his arms. "Come on! At least send me on a Fredrick's of Hollywood or Victoria's Secret type assignment. I'd rather go on **that** mission!"

"And I would rather have a threesome with Burt Reynolds and George Clooney but that's not going to happen anytime soon!" Mallory growled.

"You never should have suggested that to him," Archer pointed out.

"Shut up!" Mallory snapped. "Look it's easy. Elliot House is throwing a party tonight because it's Fashion Week again for the third time this year. You go into the party and mingle."

"Okay so there's alcohol at this thing," Archer remarked. "Definitely going to need it."

"Just pay attention!" Mallory showed some schematics on the monitor. "The designs are being held in an office safe in this back room. The safe is hidden behind the third picture on the left. There's very little security which you can easily take care of. Break into the safe. Get the designs. Get out. And come straight to the office where I will be waiting. I will take the designs and personally hand them to Gilles."

"Gilles? Oh God! Not another one of your…ewww… _Boyfriends_ ," Archer winced.

"Oh please! We haven't slept together in years!" Mallory waved. "Ever since his tastes changed to jumbo sized. But he is still a good friend and a good contact! And if this makes him happy he will pay us well and give us more jobs under the table. And that will make me happy. So unless you want me to be **unhappy** …"

"I know! Don't tell anyone especially Lana," Archer groaned.

"Actually I'm more concerned with you telling the CIA than Lana!" Mallory remarked. "If Hawley finds out that our agency is doing a little moonlighting he'll give me another ear splitting lecture."

"Heaven forbid," Archer snorted.

"And as for not telling anyone else at the office…" Mallory sighed. "I'm afraid some here are already in the loop. You're going in with backup."

"Who? Not Ray," Archer raised an eyebrow.

"No," Mallory groaned as she pushed a button. "Gillette at a party celebrating full figured women's undergarments? He'd be more out of place there than you in a monastery."

"Well you said not Lana. And I'm assuming you don't want Cyril or Krieger in on this so…" Archer raised an eyebrow. "That just leaves…"

"Hollaahhh!" Pam walked in with Cheryl.

"Oh this just keeps getting better," Archer groaned. "Okay. I get why Pam is in on this. She fits the profile but why Carol?"

"Because I'm the one with the invite to the stupid party," Cheryl groaned. "I always get stuff like this in the mail."

"Seriously?" Pam asked.

"Ugh you have no idea how many times I get these invites to these lame parties," Cheryl sighed. "Come to my book signing. Come to my fashion show. Come to this and get tons of free champagne and grab bags worth of thousands of dollars to celebrate whatever's going on in my stupid life! It's so annoying!"

"It must be so hard to be you," Pam said sarcastically.

"It is actually," Cheryl said, not picking up on the sarcasm. "It really is."

"Well it will get a lot harder if you three screw up this mission!" Mallory barked. "So don't!"

"Is that a challenge?" Cheryl asked.

"No it's not!" Mallory snapped.

"So there's gonna be food and free stuff right?" Pam asked.

"Pam and Cheryl on this mission. What could _possibly_ go **wrong?** " Archer rolled his eyes.

Later that evening…

"There's not enough liquor and therapy in the **world** …" Archer groaned as he walked in the party wearing a white tuxedo with a drink in one hand and Pam on the other.

It was a high spirted party with two DJ's, a dance floor, ice sculptures and waiters with drinks everywhere. And scantily clad models in lingerie. Very large and very scantily clad models in outfits that were extra revealing.

"I told you that model looks exactly like your mother," Pam said cheerfully. "Well if your mother was like three hundred pounds instead of the skinny bitch she is now."

"Thanks a lot for that image Pam!" Archer groaned. He looked over at Pam. "Although I gotta admit you're helping me take my mind off it.

Pam was wearing the white dress and hairstyle she had planned on wearing to her sister's wedding. "Awww…Wait you mean that in a good way right?"

"Don't take this the wrong way Pam but you're one of the few thin women at this party," Archer groaned as he saw another model. "I had no idea they made Quadruple D bras. And I could have gone my whole life not knowing that. Very happily."

"I thought you liked your jugs big," Pam snorted, taking in the view of the huge model.

"Not **that** big!" Archer said. "It totally goes against the breast to hand ratio!"

"The what?"

"Breast to hand ratio!" Archer tried to explain to her. "The breast must be big but not too big to get a decent firm grip on."

"Eh as long as it's soft and squishy I don't really care," Pam shrugged. "I'm not a picky person."

"I've noticed," Archer scoffed.

"You're not exactly one to talk," Pam snorted.

"What? Because I slept with you?" Archer asked.

"I was kind of implying some of the **other people** you've slept with?" Pam gave him a look. "Like Juliana the Head Bitch of San Marcos?"

"She was hot!" Archer protested.

"She was married to her second husband's father!" Pam said. "And even I think that's kind of…Ewww. Messed up."

"You do have a point," Archer admitted.

"And then of course Scatter Brained Jane," Pam said.

"Everybody did Scatter Brained Jane!" Archer snapped. "Even you! That was her thing!"

"Then there was that threesome with Lana and that Skorpio guy…" Pam went on.

"I thought we agreed to never speak about that again!" Archer snapped.

"Hey I'm not the one who cries about that in the middle of the night," Pam added. "Don't forget Katya the Cyborg Queen of the KGB. With the removable vibrating vagina?"

"Again she's hot!" Archer protested. "I just…wouldn't sleep with her again without any lights on."

"Cause of that glowing eye thing?"

"Yeah it's like if KITT from Knight Rider was turned into a woman and given a woman's voice instead of…Damn it! What was his name again?" Archer thought. "That St. Elsewhere guy?"

"Not to mention those lady boy hookers you seem to keep…" Pam went on.

"Pam you've made your point!" Archer snapped, interrupting her. "And if you keep talking about this I will literally make it a point to stab you! With something that has an actual point. Like a knife or a pencil or a half-eaten stale bagel…"

"I'm just saying you're not in any position to judge other people's tastes in strange," Pam shrugged. "Besides more than half the country looks like this. We're the norm. It's you skinnies that are the minority."

"Well definitely in this crowd," Archer groaned as several more scantily clad plus size models walked by.

"Did you know Marylyn Monroe was a size twelve? Nowadays people think that's fat when it's actually the norm!" Pam snorted.

"Again that doesn't apply to this group," Archer remarked. "This party is like if Gatsby threw it for Daisy and Daisy was three hundred pounds."

"I like it. It sure beats the hell out of my regular Wednesday night," Pam grinned. "Which is pretty much watching porn and eating popcorn. Now I get to see near-porn and eat appetizers!"

"That is a difference," Archer remarked. "Oh god some people should not wear thongs…Ever."

"Oh grow a pair!" Pam snorted taking in the view. "Hmmm…I wonder if I can get that model's phone number?"

"I wonder if there's a bucket for me to vomit in?" Archer groaned. "Speaking of something I don't have an appetite for where's Carol? I don't see her. And not just because of the wall of flesh everywhere."

"Cheryl," Pam corrected.

"Whatever," Archer shrugged. "It's not my fault the woman changes her name like some other women change hairstyles. I can't remember every single variation every time!"

"She said she was going to get me more gift bags," Pam said.

"Didn't you already get like seven of them and they are currently stacked in my car?" Archer asked in an annoyed voice.

"Hey! You can't have enough free stuff," Pam told Archer as she passed by a small candy dish on an elaborate table. "Ooh! This is that Italian tiny candy that's expensive!"

She took out her purse and started stuffing them in by the handful. "What?" She asked as Archer raised an eyebrow. "It's free and I can't afford an extra twenty to thirty bucks out of my budget."

"Twenty or thirty bucks for candy smaller than a **jelly bean**?" Archer was stunned.

"Sometimes fifty," Pam told him.

"For **candy?** " Archer took one and looked at it, squinting. "Does Willy Wonka make it himself? I mean this thing is too small even for an Oompa Loompa!"

"Try it," Pam unwrapped a few and threw them in her mouth. "It's good…"

Archer shrugged and did so. "Holy…" Archer gulped. "I almost swallowed it. But damn that thing has a lot of flavor."

"I know right?" Pam said as she reluctantly stopped stuffing the candy into her purse. "Aw man. I knew I should have brought a bigger purse."

"That's good candy," Archer ate another one. "It takes like an expresso in my mouth!"

"You should try the fruit flavored ones! Those are off the hook," Pam said.

"Oh what the hell?" Archer grabbed a handful of candy. "I'm taking some for myself." He shoved some candy in his pocket.

"Sometimes on the weekends I sneak into fancy hotels and ride the elevators up and down," Pam said. "I stop off at each floor and dump as much as I can into my purse."

"You sneak into fancy hotels to steal **candy**?" Archer was stunned.

"Not just candy," Pam snorted. "I take those little shampoos, lotions, nail files, shower caps and even toilet paper if I'm lucky. I score 'em off the cart when the maids aren't looking. Once I actually managed to take an entire cart. It was easier than I thought. Best part was I didn't have to buy tissues, shampoo or mouthwash for three months. Got some good towels too. And I was able to convert the cart into storage space for my apartment so win-win!"

Archer just stared at her. Pam took this as a sign to keep talking. "And one time I snuck down to the laundry room and scored some primo hotel sheets and pillow sleeves from the laundry of this one hotel. Over five hundred thread counts on those babies!"

"You stole laundry sheets from a hotel laundromat…" Archer blinked. "Before or after they were cleaned?"

"Well before duh!" Pam rolled her eyes. "You gotta get the stuff before they were washed otherwise people will notice. Oh don't look at me like that, they weren't stained or nothing and I washed them myself before putting them on my bed."

"Just when I think the things you do can't both surprise and worry me at the same time…" Archer groaned.

"Hey not everybody has a rich Mommy that can spoil them with a penthouse and other treats," Pam gave him a look.

"Considering how that woman raised me I would hardly call it spoiling," Archer grumbled. "Half the time she gives me things just so she can take them away."

"Just saying with what little money we get from that old bat I have to cut corners," Pam shrugged.

"I guess the old five fingered discount is better than clipping coupons," Archer quipped.

"I know right?" Pam grinned.

"Ugh, here's more stupid gift bags Pam," Cheryl walked up to them with four more gift bags.

"Yes! Thank you!" Pam took them.

"No, **thank you**! This time I don't have to take any of this crap home with me!" Cheryl groaned.

"Are you kidding? Look at the haul here!" Pam looked inside one. "Lotions. Hand creams. Perfume samples these guys are plugging. Even some scented lace handkerchiefs! Sweet! A few more bags and I'll have my Christmas shopping done for my family back home!"

"And that's another helpful hint from Pam the Frugal Easy Lay," Archer quipped in an announcer's voice.

"That gives me another idea!" Pam went to the candy dish and dumped the rest of the candy in one of the bags. Then she put the candy dish in the bag. "What? It'll look nice in my hallway."

"I so like our bi-monthly scavenger hunts Pam and I do much better," Cheryl sighed in a bored tone.

"Bi-Monthly scavenger hunts?" Archer asked.

"Yeah. Pam's part of this weird club that makes her get stuff on a list as part of a club thing and she lets me come along," Cheryl said. "Usually we sneak into hotels and get stupid stuff. Candy. Toilet paper. One time we snuck into one of my hotels and took a whole cart full of stuff!"

Archer looked at Pam. "Like I said," Pam told him. "It was a lot easier than I thought."

"I just hate these things. I got invites to both fat panty parties which is really insulting," Cheryl grumbled. "I'm not even fat."

"But you're rich and everybody wants a handout," Archer told her.

"Or a hand job," Pam quipped. "Will you take me to some of those parties Cheryl? So I can get some free stuff you don't want?"

"Uhhhhh…" Cheryl thought. "No. Ugh can we just get this stupid thing over with so we can go?"

"Trust me, for once I want to get a job done and over with as fast as possible," Archer groaned.

"Phrasing. Wait does that count?" Pam asked. "Whoa! Look at **that!** "

"Pam I am not looking at the model that looks like my mother if she ate Trudy Beekman again," Archer groaned. "Once was enough."

"I thought that woman looked familiar," Cheryl said.

"Not that dumb ass!" Pam pointed. "That!"

Underneath a huge security glass casing was a bra encrusted with diamonds. It was bright silver and shone brightly under the light.

"Diamond covered bra? Pfft! Yeah like no one else has ever had one of those things before," Cheryl was clearly unimpressed.

"Holy sparkle-snacks!" Pam whistled. "Look at the rocks on that baby!"

"Yeah that thing is like a Triple D bra and one of the D's stands for diamonds," Archer remarked.

"Trust me those things are not as comfortable as they look," Cheryl snorted.

"I'd be willing to find out for myself," Pam said. "Hey it looks like it might be my size."

"We're not here to steal a bra Pam," Archer pulled her and Cheryl away from the exhibit.

"No, we're here to steal **pictures** of bras," Pam gave him a look. "So why not grab a few other souvenirs?"

"You do have a point," Archer said as he took a glass of champagne from a waiter's tray and drank it down. "Not bad."

"And the drinks are pretty good too," Pam quipped as she got some champagne for herself. "Hell I should become a field agent! Full time!"

"But you're already the head of HR," Archer pointed out.

"Yeah. In an office where there are only **eight people** and none of 'em do any real work except screw around all day!" Pam snapped. "Do you even know what an HR person does?"

"Not really. Fills out forms?" Archer frowned.

"Oh wait! I know you had to do stuff with sexual harassment!" Cheryl spoke up. "And whenever one of Krieger's interns dies."

"Exactly. No other employees, no interns…" Pam began no. "No…crab puffs!"

"Is that a term for a venereal disease?" Archer asked.

"No Double O Douchebag, actual crab puffs!" Pam pulled on his arm. "Over there!"

"Ow! Jeeze Pam! And I thought Lana had the monopoly on man hands!" Archer winced in pain.

"Rarr!" Pam devoured the crab puffs from the tray like a tiger devours deposed dictators.

"Hey save some for us!" A large woman in a yellow dress with brown hair also reached for the crab puffs.

"Hey are those crab puffs?" A larger woman in a skimpy red bikini gasped. "Gimme!"

"Crab puffs? Where?" A large heavy man called out.

"CRAB PUFFS!" A huge woman shouted.

"AAAAAAAHHH!" The poor waiter was deluged by a pack of pound heavy partygoers.

"Hey!" Pam was shoved out of a huge circle of people trying to get the appetizers.

"WE NEED MORE CRAB PUFFS!" Someone shouted. "CODE BLUE! CODE BLUE!"

"Hold these!" Pam shoved her bags into Archer's hands. "I'm going back in!" She did so with a roar and a flying leap. Soon there was just a mass of fighting and shouting and crab puffs flying everywhere.

Cheryl jumped up and down clapping her hands with glee at the violence. "Maybe I will bring Pam to some parties?"

"GIVE ME THOSE CRAB PUFFS YOU BITCH!" Pam shouted.

"OVER MY DEAD BODY!" A woman shouted.

"INCOMING!" Someone shouted as crab puffs started flying through the air.

"It's like animals fighting over food in the Serengeti," Archer was stunned. "I want to say lions but…"

"I'd say elephants but elephants don't really fight over food. Neither do hippos," Cheryl remarked as she giggled at the violence. "Maybe just fat lions?"

"No more like…" Archer began. "William Daniels!"

"William Daniels isn't fat," Cheryl said.

"No, but he's the voice of KITT on Knight Rider and was on St. Elsewhere," Archer said. "God that was driving me crazy."

"GIVE ME THOSE CRAB PUFFS!" A woman shouted during the fight.

"YOU CAN HAVE THOSE CRAB PUFFS OVER MY COLD DEAD BODY BITCH!" A man shouted.

"GET REINFORCEMENTS!" A waiter screamed. "HELP!"

"AAAAAAHHH!"

"Scotty's down! Scotty's down!" Another waiter shouted. "Run interference with the other appetizers!"

"Wasn't he also in that movie with Dustin Hoffman?" Cheryl asked as more waiters ran into the melee with trays of food.

"The Graduate yeah," Archer nodded. "And 1776."

"All right! More Italian candies!" Someone shouted.

"THAT'S MINE YOU DOUCHEBAG!" Pam was heard shouting.

"MORE CRAB PUFFS!" A waiter screamed as he was swarmed by the fighting crowd. "WHERE THE HELL ARE THE CRAB PUFFS?"

"HANG ON SCOTTY! HANG ON! SCOTTY!" Someone screamed.

"Was that his apartment number?" Cheryl asked.

"What?" Archer asked.

"1776," Cheryl clarified. "Was that a street or…?"

"No! That was a movie too!" Archer said. "He played John Adams."

"The beer making guy?" Cheryl asked.

"MEDIC!" A waiter screamed as he was trampled by the crowd. "AAAAAAAHHH!"

"SCOTTY! I'M COMING FOR YOU SCOTTY!"

"Well yeah he made beer too but he's known as one of the founding fathers," Archer said.

"William Daniels is one of the founding fathers?" Cheryl asked.

"No! John Adams is and he was played by William Daniels in the movie 1776!" Archer barked. "Jesus Christ woman! Pay attention!"

"SECOND BATTALION! GET OUT THOSE PIGS IN A BLANKET!" A head waiter shouted. "GO! GO! GO! GO!"

"Was that a musical or…?" Cheryl asked. Meanwhile more waiters with more trays of food rushed in to quell the tide.

"Yeah it was. But it was actually pretty good," Archer said. "It was one of the few times I paid attention in history class when they showed that movie. That and when Ms. Harper wore a halter top in class."

"They're barley slowing down!" A waiter screamed. "AAAAH! SOMEONE STEPPED ON MY SPLEEN!"

"BRING OUT THE CRAB PUFF CANNONS!" Someone shouted. "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BRING OUT THE CRAB PUFF CANNONS!"

"GET OUT OF MY WAY BITCH!" Pam was heard fighting. "HA HA HA HA!"

"SCOTTY!"

"I thought you went to an all boy's school?" Cheryl asked.

"A few of them were all boy's schools. And she was a sub," Archer shrugged.

"A _submarine_?" Cheryl asked.

"Substitute teacher," Archer gave her a look.

"Ohhhh," Cheryl laughed. "Well **that** makes a lot more sense."

"FIRE THE CRAB PUFF CANNONS AT WILL!" Someone shouted.

"Who's Will?" Someone else asked.

"JUST SHUT UP AND FIRE! NOW!" The first someone yelled.

KA-PUFFFF!

Crab puffs littered the air flying all over the place. People were grabbing them or in some cases (like Pam) catching them in their mouths.

"Boy these crab puffs are good!" Cheryl munched on one she caught.

"Really good," Archer caught one and ate it. "Wow. No wonder they're all going crazy."

"I'm pretty sure some of them are already crazy," Cheryl said.

"You would know," Archer snorted.

"Guess what?" Pam emerged as the crowd dispersed. She showed them a small glass bowl full of candy. "Also got more candy! And a birthday gift for my Aunt Clara! What? She collects crystal bowls."

"Now that you've eaten and done your shopping can we please get back to the mission?" Archer groaned. "Again I have never been more anxious to complete a mission in my life."

"Yeah we might as well," Pam shrugged as she took the bags back from Archer and put the candy bowl in one of them. "That minor skirmish satisfied my appetite."

"For food or violence?" Archer asked.

"Both, duh!" Pam snorted. "Besides it's not like anyone died."

"What about those waiters?" Cheryl pointed at a few waiters on the floor.

"SCOTTY!" A waiter held another waiter in his arms.

"Nah they're still twitching," Pam shrugged as a few medics ran in. "Besides that was nothing. I barely messed my hair up."

"You do look rather fresh for somebody who's just been in a brawl," Archer remarked.

"Pfft! That was no brawl!" Pam laughed. "That was just a minor scuffle. My last family reunion…Yeah. That was a brawl. Well according to the judge it was two brawls, a hit and run, disturbing the peace, a little arson and a stabbing."

"Wow. Your family reunions sound like way more fun than mine," Cheryl said as they walked away. "Half the time it's just basically waiting for some old dude to die and then a run to the lawyer's to see what he left in his will."

"I never went to a family reunion," Archer admitted. "Well not one that was mine. There were a few I went to pretending to be someone who belonged there. Undercover…"

"Didn't you say you had a cousin or something?" Pam asked.

"Yeah. Brian in the Air Force. On Mother's side of the family," Archer said. "I have a few other cousins and relatives I'm not close with. Let's just say Mother and I don't exactly get along with her relatives and leave it at that."

"What a shock," Pam rolled her eyes. "So you guys are like the black sheep of your family?"

"Mother prefers to think of us as a dusky beige but yeah that's pretty accurate," Archer admitted. "Okay here's that back room. I think."

"There aren't any guards," Pam frowned.

"That's because they don't want to draw attention that something is back here," Archer said. "There's probably some kind of electric security system in there. Okay Carol…"

"Cheryl," Cheryl corrected.

"Whatever your name is this week," Archer said. "Pam and I are going to sneak in there."

"To have sex?" Cheryl asked.

"No," Archer corrected.

"Well that's what you usually do when you two sneak off together," Cheryl said.

"She's not wrong," Pam admitted.

"She is this time," Archer sighed getting impatient. "Pam and I will break in. Get the designs and then we'll slip out the back unnoticed."

"Well what do I do?" Cheryl asked.

"Just give us ten minutes then cause a distraction," Archer told her.

"Like what?" Cheryl asked.

"I don't know! Use your imagination!" Archer snapped as he and Pam went through the door.

"Hmmmm…" Cheryl frowned. "Think brain. Think. Think. Think."

She then thought of something. "No wait. I don't have an ostrich. Hmmmm…Oh! Of course! Duh!"

Meanwhile back in the room.

"Was it just me or was it way too easy to get back here?" Pam asked as Archer took down a picture from the back wall.

"I know. Security at this place really sucks," Archer snorted. "It's like they don't even think anyone could steal anything good in here."

"There's not even much in this room," Pam looked around as she turned on a light. "Just a bunch of boxes. Ooh! You think there's more candy in here?"

"Probably not," Archer frowned as the picture revealed nothing but a wall. "Great. Mother got it wrong. Must be behind one of these other pictures. Ugh. Now I'm going to have to take them all down! This is annoying."

"Oh come on Archer," Pam told him. "You gotta admit this is a pretty sweet ass way to make a few grand. Go to a party. Eat and drink. Get some free stuff as well as see some pretty good T&A…"

"Well of course there are perks Pam," Archer snorted. "But there's more to being a spy than that. You need to have a little thing I like to call situational awareness."

"I like Cheese-Os," Pam spoke up as she looked through the boxes. "You know those little crackers that taste like cheese."

"What does that have to do with situational awareness?"

"You said you like situational awareness," Pam said. "I like Cheese-O's. And bear claws. And crab puffs."

"And cocaine," Archer groaned.

"Well I kind of got that out of my system for now," Pam admitted. "I'm all about the ganja now Mon."

"Thank you very much uh…" Archer frowned as he took down another picture. "I had something for this."

"Blob Marley."

"No you already used that one," Archer told her. "I was looking for something different."

"Rasta-Pam-ia?" Pam suggested. "Pam-ibis?"

"Not bad but…ugh! Never mind!" Archer grumbled. "Help me take down these pictures! The safe has to under one of them."

"Okey-dokey smokey-pokey!" Pam said. Archer looked at her. "Since Inappropes is such a hit I'm trying out new catchphrases. Too corny?"

"Just a tad," Archer said as he took down another picture. "No picture here."

"None here either," Pam took down one.

"Well take down another one!"

"There aren't any!" Pam snapped. "We already took them all down!"

"That can't be right! I don't understand it!" Archer grumbled. "We looked behind every picture and no freaking safe!"

"Well don't yell at me!" Pam said. "It's your mother's fault she didn't give good directions!"

"Something is definitely off here," Archer looked around.

"Wait this is supposed to be Elliot House's party right?" Pam asked as she looked at her bags.

"Uh Duh," Archer grumbled.

"Then why are all the logos everywhere saying BB?" Pam showed him the gift bags. "Which is the logo for Bettina's Boutique."

"Unless we're at the wrong party…" Archer groaned.

"Aw damn it!" Pam groaned. "Cheryl must have gotten her invitations all mixed up!"

"You think?" Archer snapped. "Why didn't you show me those damn bags in the first place Pam?"

"Me? You're Mister God Damn Situational Awareness asshole!" Pam shouted back.

"I was trying not to look at the models! Which I admit is a first for me!" Archer snapped.

"Oh please you and your fixation with skinny bitches…" Pam scoffed. She sniffed the air. "Do I smell smoke?"

Just then the fire alarm went off. "Oh no…" Archer groaned as he and Pam ran to the door. "Yup. One of the tables is on fire. And now another table is on fire. And a chair. And…Well you get the gist of how this goes."

"Well you told her to create a distraction," Pam snorted. "Hey! I can get more gift bags!" Pam ran off.

"Pam! No! Damn it!" Archer ran after her. "PAM!"

"HA HA HA HA HA!" Cheryl was heard cackling in the distance.

Later that evening…

"How could you **not know** you were at the **wrong party**?" Mallory shouted at Archer, Pam and Cheryl in her office.

"Honestly it was a mix up on my part," Cheryl spoke up. Her clothes were slightly smudged along with Archer's and Pam's.

"Stop the presses," Mallory rolled her eyes.

"You see the Elliot Party was at the building at Number Eleven on Fifth and Seventh," Cheryl said. "But the BB party which was at the exact same time was at Number Eleven on Seven and Fifth. It's a pretty easy mistake to make."

"To anyone who lacks basic math skills," Archer snorted.

"You didn't notice either Mister Situational Awareness," Pam snapped. "Or should I say Mr. Situational Clueless?"

"Yeah!" Cheryl spoke up.

"There's a very good reason for that!" Archer barked. "I was half drunk and not paying attention! Well it was for my own self-preservation! You should have seen those women! They make Pam look like Twiggy!"

"Awww…I'll take that as a compliment," Pam grinned.

"Heh you take almost everything as a compliment," Cheryl snorted.

"Sterling this was beyond incompetence even for you!" Mallory snapped.

"I said I was drinking and trying to **not** notice the models!" Archer snapped. "Plus to be honest I didn't really care for the mission. Stealing underwear pictures is so beneath me. I mean…Calling Porky's movies. Your hackneyed plot and sophomoric hijinks have been found and need to be returned."

"If only I could return you…" Mallory growled.

"Cheryl's the one who set the fire!" Archer pointed.

" **Now** he remembers my name!" Cheryl rolled her eyes. "You told me to create a distraction and to use my imagination!"

"To be fair Archer, you know she has a very disturbed imagination," Pam said. "You should have been more precise in your instructions."

"Yeah!" Cheryl agreed.

"I gotta give it to them," Mallory agreed. "It is your fault Sterling."

"What?" Archer barked.

"Sending Cheryl without any clear instructions was complete stupidity and short sightedness on your part!" Mallory barked. "I mean for God sake's Sterling we don't even let her have scissors!"

"And I so love to cut things!" Cheryl grinned. "And stab things."

"We know," Mallory groaned. "I remember filling out all those damn accident reports for Brett."

"He got stabbed a lot too didn't he?" Archer remembered with a chuckle. "God I actually do miss him. He was fun."

"He made a mess on the carpet," Mallory snapped. "And now you made a mess so I'm calling you **on** the carpet!"

"It wasn't a total loss," Pam said. "I got a purse load of fancy Italian candy and fifteen bags worth of free stuff!"

"What kind of free stuff?" Mallory asked with a sigh. "I only ask in the small hope you got something worthwhile."

"I did! A lot of new lotions and hand creams!" Pam said cheerfully. "And I don't mean the little samples you get sometimes in hotel rooms. I'm talking full size ounces baby! And some perfume, fancy handkerchiefs, pens and stationery."

"And hope dies a painful violent death," Mallory sighed. "Shame the same can't be said for you. At least at this moment."

"Who's got her Christmas shopping done early? **This** gal!" Pam pointed at herself.

"Who's got the **stupidest** employees in the world?" Mallory rolled her eyes and pointed at herself. " **This** gal."

Then realization hit Mallory. "Oh God I **do** have the stupidest employees in the world!" Mallory groaned.

"I also managed to stuff a tray full of hot dog weenies wrapped in puff pastry into a bag too!" Pam grinned. "So I'm all set for lunch! Well not as much lunch as a late night snack. Which I already at them so…"

"Let's see if I get this straight," Mallory winced. "Not only did you idiots go to the wrong party, you stole a bunch of grab bags worth…not much anyway in my opinion. Started a fight and a fire which burned down the wrong building!"

"And Scotty died," Pam added.

"Who the hell is Scotty?" Mallory snapped.

"A poor waiter who gave his life so that others may have crab puffs," Archer quipped.

"Is that some kind of new slang for venereal disease?" Mallory blinked.

"No they were actual crab puffs," Pam said. "It was a combination of his injuries in the stampede, smoke inhalation and it turns out he was allergic to antibiotics."

"And the death of a waiter…" Mallory groaned. "Of course. It can't be a typical mission if **someone** doesn't die!"

"We also didn't get the designs," Cheryl spoke up.

"Understatement of the year!" Mallory snapped. "Gilles is furious that his party was a disaster! Not to mention he lost that ten thousand dollar diamond bra! Apparently the idiot forgot to insure it!"

"Well that was poor planning on his part," Pam remarked.

"Needless to say you morons literally burned another bridge this agency had!" Mallory groaned. "I guess I should count myself lucky that the CIA doesn't know about…"

Just then the phone rang. "Do you want me to get that?" Cheryl said innocently.

"No, but I do want you to get other things later…" Mallory gritted her teeth.

"Maybe it's just a telemarketer?" Pam suggested.

"Pam that is the stupidest…" Mallory hissed as she picked up the phone. "Hello! Hawley I…No I am not interested in converting my building to solar power! Go bother the Democrats you hippie!"

Mallory slammed the phone down. "Oh my God," She realized. "It was a telemarketer."

"See? You have to keep positive!" Pam said smugly.

"You gotta give it to her," Archer admitted.

"Maybe we really are in the clear?" Mallory thought.

"So no one say anything to anyone and we'll be fine," Archer waved.

"Yeah even I won't say anything about us getting involved in an arson spree," Pam agreed.

"It's not technically a spree if you only set fire to **one building** ," Cheryl rolled her eyes.

"Well you are an expert on that subject," Pam admitted.

"All right just get out and as far as anyone is concerned last night never happened!" Mallory told them. "Maybe I can find some other freelance work? Anyway….Get out!"

"And a good day to you, Mother!" Archer groaned as they left the office.

Cheryl went to her desk and immediately took out some of her patented Groovy Gummies. "Well at least we know that Cheryl won't remember anything," Archer snorted. "I am going to Hallahan's Bar to try to forget this night ever happened."

"YAAAAYYY!" Cheryl cheered as she munched on her gummies. "Whoa! Those gummies have a real kick this time! Where's the door again?"

"Ugh…" Archer groaned as he took Cheryl's arm. "I'll lead you. I have to do **everything** around here!"

"I'll meet you there," Pam headed for the bathroom. "I gotta drop a deuce."

"Pam that's the men's room," Archer groaned.

"So? What's your point?" Pam asked.

"I have no point," Archer admitted. "What I said was pointless…" He shook his head and walked away with a giggling Cheryl.

Pam went into the Men's room. She smirked and then quickly pulled down the top of her dress.

Underneath her dress she was wearing the diamond bra. "Good thing I was able to snag this baby!" Pam grinned.

"Bow chicka-wow-wow, chicka-wow-wow!" Pam admired herself in the mirror.


End file.
